I am in love with the below.....

Thinking...

So I just finished watching a tv show where the last line was "If you knew that today was your last, how would you spend it?" It really hit me. I mean as Christian we are taught that we need to seize everyday, that it is a gift from God and that you never know of your tomorrow. But lately I have been thinking about death quite a bit, I am not really sure why. Maybe it is because a good friend of mine lost someone very dear to her. As she told me of his last moments, I just started crying because it was such an answer to prayer that she was there and because a friend was experiencing so much pain, but also because I just thought of the beauty yet fear of death. Maybe I have also thought about it during this low time in my life.

Yes, I am pretty low. It goes up and down but overall I am really struggling and through this struggle a lot of questions have gone off in my head and heart and one of them has been about death and my life. I think of the things I regret doing or not doing, the broken relationships that pain me, the traveling and adventures I want to experience, the people I want to tell how much I truly, deeply love them, and just overall how I want my life to be. I have realized how much I take advantage of life and love. But I also realize how caught I am in the boundaries that we put onto life.

As much as I struggle with this because I know where I am going, I can honestly say that I am not ready to die. I have too much life to live. That sounds selfish, I know, and I am trying to work on that struggle in my faith, but I just want to live. I want to love, travel, learn, and just experience life. But at the same time I do have to ask myself, "If I knew that today was my last day, how would I spend it?"

I struggle with the idea that we have to work daily for about 60 or more years of our lives, so that we are not poor when we are old. I struggle with that because when I think of what I want my life to be it is, spending time with people I love, traveling, and so on, not living for the vacation. I fear not finding the job that I desire and meets my life mission. I fear looking back at my life and thinking, man I wish I did more. I need to be better at seizing opportunities and planning my daily life so as I live it to the best I can. I get so caught in the laziness of life, stuck in the moment instead of living each to the fullest.

Wow this is a depressing post. Just wanted to write down some thoughts that I have been having lately. I think partly to remind myself of them.....