Should haves and What if's
So I have a problem, I struggle with the should haves and should have nots and what if's and what if nots. I should have done this or should not have done that. Or what if or what if not. This is especially a problem right now in my life as I struggle to settle where I am, New Orleans. I struggle daily with wondering what if I had stayed in Pittsburgh or Philly, should I had moved to DC of to St. Augustine, Fl. Would I have been happier, since I would have had friends and community? Would many of the issues I am having right now, not be an issue? Should I stay in New Orleans? What if I had not said this or said that, how would my life be different?
I find myself being jealous of my friends, when I speak with them and hear the fun evenings they are having with people and amazing conversations they are having in community. I find myself, saying I want that. And then all the should have and should have not and what and what if nots come back in full swing. They also come back into full swing when I am having a bad day and/or feeling really lonely.
I think that reflection is a good thing to a point, you are able to learn from things, but then it can also easily become a stonghold in life that the devil can easily grab onto and then add more questions and doubts. I know this is a cycle that has grabbed hold of my life and has been something I struggle with for a long time, but I think it has become worse over the past couple year, as I have had to make way too many big life decisions.
I also keep finding myself wondering if having community and friends, really would have allowed me to not have so many issues or just would have allowed me to be in a supportive place to work through them. What I mean is would I really be happier in the above places I have spoken about? Would I not feel lonely, or is the loneliness I am feeling more than a lack of friends and community or it is someting deeper inside of me.
On a lighter note...
As I Tuesday, January 17th I have officially admitted to myself that I am a coffee drinker. I did not think that day would ever come, but since working at Starbucks for a couple months in Pittsburgh, I have begun to drink coffee. But not until the past couple months has it become something that I crave and make special stops to get. Luckily, after experiencing caffeine headaches in Pittsburgh, I have trained myself on decaf. Hot tea is still my favorite but coffee drinkers out there here I am.
I find myself being jealous of my friends, when I speak with them and hear the fun evenings they are having with people and amazing conversations they are having in community. I find myself, saying I want that. And then all the should have and should have not and what and what if nots come back in full swing. They also come back into full swing when I am having a bad day and/or feeling really lonely.
I think that reflection is a good thing to a point, you are able to learn from things, but then it can also easily become a stonghold in life that the devil can easily grab onto and then add more questions and doubts. I know this is a cycle that has grabbed hold of my life and has been something I struggle with for a long time, but I think it has become worse over the past couple year, as I have had to make way too many big life decisions.
I also keep finding myself wondering if having community and friends, really would have allowed me to not have so many issues or just would have allowed me to be in a supportive place to work through them. What I mean is would I really be happier in the above places I have spoken about? Would I not feel lonely, or is the loneliness I am feeling more than a lack of friends and community or it is someting deeper inside of me.
On a lighter note...
As I Tuesday, January 17th I have officially admitted to myself that I am a coffee drinker. I did not think that day would ever come, but since working at Starbucks for a couple months in Pittsburgh, I have begun to drink coffee. But not until the past couple months has it become something that I crave and make special stops to get. Luckily, after experiencing caffeine headaches in Pittsburgh, I have trained myself on decaf. Hot tea is still my favorite but coffee drinkers out there here I am.
posted by khwilly at 3:47 PM
1 Comments:
aaaaah!!!! You've entered a whole new stage in life once you've become a coffee drinker!!!!! hahha....
Crazy girl....:0) I love the crap out of you and I know God has something huge for you. You're so special Katie Williford. I wish that I could put into words HOW special you are, but it's just not possible. Beautiful and free.....(that's you....and that's what my tattoo will say.)
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