Questioning myself..
So there are times that I really get frustrated with myself and who I am. I know that is partly a struggle of self-esteem and being comfortable with who God has made me to be and the journey to becoming that. To be truthful I would not consider myself to be a person with really bad self-esteem until lately. I mean I am not the stereotypical person with low-selfesteem who is always fishing for compliments, I griping over themself, and so on. I overall thought that I just had normal self-esteem issues that most every person struggles with. But over the past year (and maybe more) I have really been struggling with wanting to be something that I am not sure I really am. I mean I sort of hope that I can become that person, through practice and or education, but is it really just not part of who I am.
For instance I would love to be graceful, whether that be in how I carry myself, dance, or so on. Is that something that I can truly learn, or do some woman have and others just do not? I also would love to be the type of person who can really have a deep theological discussion, challenging my peers with my remarks, being daily open about my beliefs whether that be in remarks or other things. Is that again something that I can become through reading and educating myself more, and making more of an attempt to talking about my beliefs. Then I struggle with the fact that maybe I am those things, but just in different degrees that I would like but I have allowed others to tell me what I am and am not. I mean I would love to be the type of person who is able to get the profound meaning out of movies, music, and so on. But to be honest, unless it is obvious, I just dont see it until someone points it out. Does that make me just not a deep thinking person?
I know that God has blessed me with many gifts and I am so thankful for those. But the main point I am trying to get across is... how do you know when a gift is a gift, and when it is something that can be accrued whether through practice or education? Will I ever be a graceful, deep thinking, theological discussion queen, or am I just not supposed to be those things in the scope of Gods plan for me at the level that I want so badly to be. Or could I take dance classes, read deep and theological books and become more of a deep thinker and graceful person.
I am hoping that this is making some sort of sense. It is just something that has been on my mind a lot lately as I try to get at the root of who I am and who God has me to be. I just sort of keep getting stuck at the curbs of wanting to be some other things and I dont know if I am not those out of laziness or that I am just not supposed to be there in Gods plan. If not I want to forget about it, move on, and be Katie, but if so I want to do what I need to do to be there.
For instance I would love to be graceful, whether that be in how I carry myself, dance, or so on. Is that something that I can truly learn, or do some woman have and others just do not? I also would love to be the type of person who can really have a deep theological discussion, challenging my peers with my remarks, being daily open about my beliefs whether that be in remarks or other things. Is that again something that I can become through reading and educating myself more, and making more of an attempt to talking about my beliefs. Then I struggle with the fact that maybe I am those things, but just in different degrees that I would like but I have allowed others to tell me what I am and am not. I mean I would love to be the type of person who is able to get the profound meaning out of movies, music, and so on. But to be honest, unless it is obvious, I just dont see it until someone points it out. Does that make me just not a deep thinking person?
I know that God has blessed me with many gifts and I am so thankful for those. But the main point I am trying to get across is... how do you know when a gift is a gift, and when it is something that can be accrued whether through practice or education? Will I ever be a graceful, deep thinking, theological discussion queen, or am I just not supposed to be those things in the scope of Gods plan for me at the level that I want so badly to be. Or could I take dance classes, read deep and theological books and become more of a deep thinker and graceful person.
I am hoping that this is making some sort of sense. It is just something that has been on my mind a lot lately as I try to get at the root of who I am and who God has me to be. I just sort of keep getting stuck at the curbs of wanting to be some other things and I dont know if I am not those out of laziness or that I am just not supposed to be there in Gods plan. If not I want to forget about it, move on, and be Katie, but if so I want to do what I need to do to be there.
posted by khwilly at 3:03 PM
1 Comments:
wow, I love what you had to say. Katie, I just want to affirm you in your grace. You are an amazingly graceful friend. A friend that has the gift of reaching out, expressing and showing love, exuding beauty eveywhere you go, sense of humor, making people smile when they need it and when they want it, reading people internally, KNOWING your friends, pursuing your friends and others, connecting with people on a level that is very unique....etc. Katie, you are the first friend I have ever had that I have actually MISSED. I never miss anyone. Not one person. But, I truly miss you. I miss your beauty, GRACE, empathetic and beautiful wisdom and knowledge, your smile, your openness and your heart. You ARE graceful. It depends on how you define grace. My life has been GRACED by your presence and friendship. Just because you don't dance the way that you envision in your head and just because you may not be graceful the way that another woman is graceful, does not mean you are not graceful. You are beautiful and FREE! STOP comparing yourself to other women....embrace the Katie that God made you to be. BE BEAUTIFUL and FREE! Because that's what you are. Katie, I love the crap out of you.
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