Surprise, surprise

Well, well... I am back, yes it is true but I am actually blogging. I dont know why I struggle with it so. I think part of it is not having the energy to do many things, or else just not wanting to, since I have moved here. On one bright note though, I am doing a pretty good job of journaling (pat, pat on my back) That is also something that I struggle with, I think partly because I am such an extrovert and want immediate feedback that I talk things out more than writing them out and also because when you write it down it because more real and solid and it is easier to hide from the real things and feelings that are going on with you when you dont write them down.

I think that number #2 is the biggest excuse for me currenlty. I have felt so many feelings and hurts over this past year for so many reasons and when I really sit down to write them down it scares me so I just go off and do something else. Currently my escape has become television (I hate cable) and eating. As a result I have gained weight and dont like what I see when I look at myself and then that causes even more issues. It is a horrible cycle when you just dont want to deal with things, or even bigger keep running from God and brokeness.

However the past 2 weeks God just continually keeps throwing things at me to remind me that he is here. He has totally been doing it forever, but since I just kept ignoring them, I think He got frustrated and is now putting totally obvious things in place.

For example, I have been doing an Advent devotional and everyday when I read from it, it is like God is just lying in bed next to me talking to me, He is being so obvious. There have been a few times that I have just started to cry because I am reading exactly what I need to be reading and God is speaking so directly to me that day. This has been totally awesome but also very scary, especially over this past week. I know that God is just standing next to me waiting for me to look at Him and say yes, break me, heal me, teach me, hold me. But for reason I feel like I dont even know how to actually lay myself down and allow Him to take me. I find myself finding comfort in the past and seeking feeback from others instead of God. I find myself holding on to things that hurt because then that way I dont have to actually totally let them go out of my heart. I find myself seeing myself how others see me, good and bad, instead of how God sees me. This is all just so wrong and hurtful to God. God is puting his hand out to me and I am not taking it.

I want SO bad, my heart aches for it, to be a complete woman of God, who honors Him with her heart and soul. I want others to see God in me. I want to honor God in my everyday life and be an instrument for Him on this earth. I want to know how to heal and allow myself to be healed. I want to learn how to move on from the hurts and see the good. I think that I am just scared. I am scared that I dont know how to actually do this and most of all I am scared to actually feel and let go of all that I am holding on to that is also killing me. But at the same time I am scared to stay where I am at and not become the woman that God has me o be.