ps

My niece Emerson Elizabeth is one month old today.

Happy One Month Birthday Emerson!!!!!!

I am so underqualified

I REALLY need to stop saying these words...."I am so underqualified". I not only limit myself when I say those words but even more I limit God's ability to work through me. I said those words when I was offered the current youth minister job that I am in and then I said it again today when Mike, the church's Chief Executive Officer (a fancy word for saying the business guy) came up to me and asked if I would be interested in teaching a religous education classe to 5th and 6th graders at the church's school next year. I was pretty stunned and the first thing that came to my mouth was "wow, I am so underqualified, but I would be interested in looking into it".

As I have been reflecting on those words that have come out of my mouth a number of times over the past few months, I get really disappointed in myself. On one hand, it is good to know that I am not getting cocky but then on another it shows a lack of confidence in myself and in God. As I am typing this I am thinking about all the people that God has used to do amazing things, from the Virgin Mary to Martin Luther King Jr and my friend Susan who taught in an inner-city school these past two years to Brad another friend of mine who is in medical school. He uses normal, everyday people to do extraordinary things. So as I am thinking about it, I really am underqualified to do that or in that fact any job or ministry, but through God I am given the tools to do His work. As one of my friends like to say "My confidence is in Christ". I giggle when she says sometimes, but it is so true.

So if everything works out I could be a teacher next year, and even scarier teaching religion. How scary and exciting and what a great opportunity to see the tools that God will use through me.

when will it stop

I really hate transitioning, it is such a hard thing to do, even though it is such a huge part of life. I feel like I have been in a state of transition for almost a year. Yes, I have moved 3 times since last October but I even felt in that state before I began my hectic moving style.

For me the hardest part is leaving friends and knowing how to let go of them as well as the hopes I had, making new friends, and getting the effort to get out there to even begin to make new ones. I am a very extroverted person and I like to meet new people. But ever since I have arrived in New Orleans I have not been very good at getting out there and meeting people. I get frustrated because I feel that I already have enough friends and I have a hard enough time keeping in touch with the ones I have. I dont want any new ones. But then again I am pretty lonely and in need to meet people.

I am just so ready to feel settled somewhere and to be happy in my vocation as well as being in a close christian community. I thought that would be Pittsburgh and then Florida and now I am praying it will be New Orleans. I think one thing that this transition has taught me is how bad I am at letting go of things and just embracing where I am at. I am bad at trusting that God has a plan for me and that it is a plan to bless me and not to harm me. I get so wrapped up in wanting my own plan that I forget that He is in charge.

Peace is such an amazing word and God is teaching me about what is means in my life, as I search for it. It is a word that has a lot of others words in it, such as healing, reconciliation, community, and others. So today i just continue to ask for peace and that Jesus will teach me more about myself and His father as I search for it. I think if I dont begin to look more to Jesus to guide me to His peace then I will just continue to be in this dark cloud that I feel like I am in, and that is not what God has planned for my life.

laziness

Wow I have felt pretty lazy today. It can not be a lack of sleep because I had a good 8 hours last night. I am not really sure what it is, I just keep finding other things to do and look at today, other than the July calendar that I need to finish ASAP, especially since I will be gone all next week in North Carolina for summer camp with the kids. (I can not wait to be in the mountains.) One thing this feeling of laziness does do is scare the crud out of me. I can get so sidetracked so easily and I hate it. I am a good procrastinator and I hate it. It is like I know my life would be less stressed and I would feel fullfilled if I just got the task done, but instead I keep putting it off.

It scares me to go back to school because I am sure I will be like this there, which will add a lot of stress to my life. But most of all it scares me because I dont want to spend my life being sidetracked and procrastinating all the time. The worst thing is that I know how to make it stop, but then I am too lazy to not be lazy or procrastinate..... what a bad pattern.

I also have all these great book sitting next to my bed to read, but instead of going home and reading them, I turn on the darn television (I really hate having cable again, I wish my roomies would agree to cancel it). Maybe this is a depression thing, not wanting to think, or maybe again it is just a laziness thing. Either way I hate it and I hate that I keep vowing that I wont do it but then I turn around and do it again the next day.

I know that God can heal anything, including laziness and procrastination, I just have to allow him to heal it and receive the discipline of getting things done and being a doer. But then I just need to allow God to heal it and stop the pattern that I find myself in.

life is crazy

Well here I am back in New Orleans after being in Florida visiting my new niece and being in a wedding this weekend. I found it quite hard to come back here. On one hand I am excited about being here and the new challenge and opportunity it gives me but at the same time I miss having people around me that really know me and feeling a sense of community when I come back to someplace. I find myself having a hard time letting go of things, something I have always struggled with. Maybe it is not so much a problem with letting go as it is being faithful, I am not sure.

All I know is that I desperately miss feeling the sense of community and friendship I felt in Philly, Pittsburgh, and my friends from college. I miss having good friends to just hang out with and talk about life and God with. I know that I just need to be patient and know and trust that God will provide that here but it has been hard. I think I am finding that the more I move and make new friends, that harder it is to keep in contact with the friends I have left. Also I see the friends that I have left getting closer to each other and I am not part of that and that stinks.

I think that I am just not good at transition, even though I like to think that I am. But what exactly is transition. Is it moving on or just coming to a place where you feel at peace where you are at and where you have come from? I am not really sure, but searching for that peace.

I know that I must trust, trust that God has brought me to a new place away from close friends for a reason. I know one thing that God does continue to remind me through all of this is that He is so much bigger than I am. Maybe that is something that I need to focus on when I am feeling lonely or sad, that God is bigger that me and all my feelings and that he is going to bless this step of faith and teach me more and more about Him and the holy spirit and especially who I am in Him through all of this.