Updated pic of Emerson

So Emerson is now 7 months old and is just so cute that I can not stand it. She is even an overachiever and while most 7 month olds only have 1 tooth she is now in the process of of 7th and 8th.

I am afraid of boys.....

This is going to be a short entry because I have a bad headache and so thinking is just not working for me today. I just hope that I am better by 3:00 when I am suppossed to FINALLY go and see the Chronicles of Narnia. My boss and his family are just so great to me. They invited me to go see if with them and their visiting children and then come over for dinner, just so I could have some "family time", they are so great to me. They know that I have a hard time adjusting back to New Orleans after being at in Florida or visiting friends. The lonely birds certainly do start circling again, so they make sure that I come over and hang out with them and they remind me why God has me here. They are such a blessing to me.

Anyways so I titled today's blog, "I am afraid of boys". This is my title because I realizing how much lately I have a fear of not being able to relate to middle and high school boys. I mean I like sports and all, but I dont understand what goes on in their heads. I mean I dont even really understand boys my own age, so how do I understand younger ones. More importantly how do I relate with them and build relationships with them. Do books like "Every Young Man's Battle" really ring true or are they just another cheesy, not very practical christian book like "Why I Kissed Dating Goodbye". I mean that book has good points but it creates such a small, world view of dating, does Every Young Man's Battle do that for what young men are going through?

I know that I need to lean more on my male volunteer leaders but at the same time I dont want to not build some sort of relationshship with the boys because of my own fear of rejection due to not being able to relate with them. And as I just typed that is came to me is this a fear of not relating or just a fear of rejection. It is scary how your own personal fears come up in different aspects of your life. I have a fear of being rejecting in relationships, and that has even come up in my ministry with youth. Why in the world do I have a fear of being rejected by middle and high schoolers?

5 Days til Christmas

Oh yeah it is 5 days till Christmas!! I love Christmas but I also love all other holidays. I just loved getting together with my family and friends and celebrating what Gods has done. I am SO blessed to have a great family. Yes, we have our issues but at the end of the day we all know that we love each other, I am truly blessed. This Christmas however, will be especially great because it will be my niece's first.

It is still weird for me to look at her and think, wow this belong's to my sister. I think it is still weird for me to think that I am at the age where friends and my sister are having babies. My life is certainly not where I thought it would be at 25 years old. I always imagined myself married and maybe getting ready for a baby, but as God continues to show me, He only knows His plans He made for me, however I like to plan ahead of Him often.

Life in New Orleans is going ok. It will be completely different come January when more youth come back. This excites me but also scares me because I still feel overwhelmed with what God has called me to do here. I think I under-estimate myself a lot and especially under-estimate God's power to move through me. I jumble over my words a lot and that really effects my confidence when it comes to many things, especially sharing Jesus with others. That is so sad that my lack of confidence effects my sole purpose on earth, to know God and to make Him known. I just need to keep reminding myself that all I need to do is love these kids and remind them how much Jesus loves them.

One of the most exciting things for me when I accepted this position is thinking that God willing I could open these kids eyes to the unjustices around them, as I had been blessed with in college. New Orleans is such an impoverished city that is full of crappy politics and greed that in turn effects the poor. Some of the injustices include one of the worst public school systmes in America, a massive amount of inadquete housing, really bad public housing, and so on. This in turn breads an rapidly growing crime rate (pre-Katrina). And this in turns also resulted in the horrors that we saw on television on the days following the hurricane.

THat said GOd has opened many doors for me to do that. The kids, if their parents allowed, saw the horrors that were going on in their city. For those that did not know there was a whole other part of the city, many of the kids live in the Garden District bubble, they have now seen it. What an opportunity for this youth group to be a small part in rebuilding the city of NEw Orleans, not only physically but also emotionally and spirititually. I just pray that the kids hearts where softened and that we do not just get back into the daily routine and forget what we saw and what is happening around us. It is weird how your sort of get desensorized. I mean usually seeing a flooded house with everything inside it molded would totally take me aback. But now after being here for over 2 months and gutting many houses like that, I sort find myself just being like oh here we go again. Pretty scary!! I mean it is amazing our human survival and coping skills, but sometimes those skills can really block the true picture of what is happening around you and as a result prevent you from really empathizing and wanting to act to change it.

Surprise, surprise

Well, well... I am back, yes it is true but I am actually blogging. I dont know why I struggle with it so. I think part of it is not having the energy to do many things, or else just not wanting to, since I have moved here. On one bright note though, I am doing a pretty good job of journaling (pat, pat on my back) That is also something that I struggle with, I think partly because I am such an extrovert and want immediate feedback that I talk things out more than writing them out and also because when you write it down it because more real and solid and it is easier to hide from the real things and feelings that are going on with you when you dont write them down.

I think that number #2 is the biggest excuse for me currenlty. I have felt so many feelings and hurts over this past year for so many reasons and when I really sit down to write them down it scares me so I just go off and do something else. Currently my escape has become television (I hate cable) and eating. As a result I have gained weight and dont like what I see when I look at myself and then that causes even more issues. It is a horrible cycle when you just dont want to deal with things, or even bigger keep running from God and brokeness.

However the past 2 weeks God just continually keeps throwing things at me to remind me that he is here. He has totally been doing it forever, but since I just kept ignoring them, I think He got frustrated and is now putting totally obvious things in place.

For example, I have been doing an Advent devotional and everyday when I read from it, it is like God is just lying in bed next to me talking to me, He is being so obvious. There have been a few times that I have just started to cry because I am reading exactly what I need to be reading and God is speaking so directly to me that day. This has been totally awesome but also very scary, especially over this past week. I know that God is just standing next to me waiting for me to look at Him and say yes, break me, heal me, teach me, hold me. But for reason I feel like I dont even know how to actually lay myself down and allow Him to take me. I find myself finding comfort in the past and seeking feeback from others instead of God. I find myself holding on to things that hurt because then that way I dont have to actually totally let them go out of my heart. I find myself seeing myself how others see me, good and bad, instead of how God sees me. This is all just so wrong and hurtful to God. God is puting his hand out to me and I am not taking it.

I want SO bad, my heart aches for it, to be a complete woman of God, who honors Him with her heart and soul. I want others to see God in me. I want to honor God in my everyday life and be an instrument for Him on this earth. I want to know how to heal and allow myself to be healed. I want to learn how to move on from the hurts and see the good. I think that I am just scared. I am scared that I dont know how to actually do this and most of all I am scared to actually feel and let go of all that I am holding on to that is also killing me. But at the same time I am scared to stay where I am at and not become the woman that God has me o be.